In todays society, what sex can mean to one person can be the complete opposite to someone else. Some consider it society’s most sacred act, a joining of souls, the fusion of a love that is so powerful. Some see it as a quick 10 minutes of fun in a nightclub toilet. As society has evolved, some may feel the meaning and importance behind it has been lost. But with the power of curious minds, the exploration of another body has led to unprecedented levels of craziness in our stories from the bedroom. Sometimes, however, things can go horribly wrong. This blog is centred around the times where intimacy led to circumstances NOBODY would want to be in. Here is a compiled list of shocking shags and the hilarious stories behind them. Warning, don’t try this at home! (Unless you think you might enjoy it).
1
Shocking Shags: Mentally And Physically Scarred
Jen, 28
“I lost my virginity to a guy who wasn’t circumcised. Not a big deal, but he was a virgin too. A couple minutes in, he thrusted a little hard, and it forced his foreskin back, ripping it from the base of the head back. It started bleeding profusely. He ended up having to go to the hospital and getting five or six stitches in his penis, which resulted in an inch-long scar. They say you never forget your first time…and he sure as fuck never will.”
2
Shocking Shags: Feral Threesome
3
Shocking Shags: Sticky Situation
4
Shocking Shags: Sperm Shower
Brad, 27
“Me and my girlfriend were doing it in our apartment’s gym showers, and an old lady came into the room. We were in a stall, but we still freaked out, and we both slipped, and I came at that exact moment, and it shot into my girlfriend’s ear and onto the shower nozzle, which caused my cum to spray all over the place and mix in with the blood that was coming from the back of my head. Both mine and my girlfriend’s clothes were outside of the stall, and the old lady was standing outside. We started laughing our asses off, and then our clothes were just chucked over the door on top of us, and the lady shouted from the other side, ‘Fucking kids.'”
5
Shocking Shags: Overload
Baz, 39
So, my wife and I work opposite shifts and hardly saw each other for a while. I had managed to ‘’hold out’’ and not jerk off for close to 2 weeks. We both managed to be at home at the same time for once and were furiously going at it, her on top. The pair of us were on top of the bed our bedroom door was closed. We hear the front door open and her sister called out that she was there. My wife did not stop and kept going. Sister opened our bedroom door and my wife rolled off me just as I came.
I came a LOT. With great fury. Probably an all-time distance record. Hands-Free. With her sister staring in disbelief as a volcano of semen spurted from my penis. She was too shocked to shut the door. We all just started laughing.
6
Shocking Shags: Blood Orgy
Boris, 43
“I was having normal regular sex with my girlfriend at the time. Though I suppose she wasn’t exactly wet, neither was I. So we were going at it and all of a sudden I feel a kind of pinch. I thought that was weird. Then liquid, so I asked her, do you feel something odd? She thought I came. I hadn’t yet, so far it had been really uncomfortable. So I pull out. All of a sudden blood is squirting from just under my penis, all over her vag, stomach, bed, etc.
I jump up and the blood goes on her floor, chair, myself. I freak the fuck out half yelling ‘’ WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?’’ She freaks out, eyes wide in shock. I run to the bathroom and just stand in the bath clutching tissues to my penis waiting for the blood to stop. Eventually, I get flaccid and the blood flow stops. We immediately google what the shit was going on. I’m clutching my dick through my shorts the entire time as we look for an answer to how this spontaneous satanic blood orgy started and if anyone has had the same.
Turns out you can tear the webbing under your penis, the ‘frenulum’ I believe. Who knew. I couldn’t have sex for 2 weeks and then the next month after I was too paranoid to do much anyway. Hilarious to look back on though.”
7
Shocking Shags: The Car Park Creep
Olivia, 22
“It was our second date, and we went to go see Thor: Ragnarok. As the trailers started rolling, he started making out with me. But I actually wanted to watch this movie, so I told him to chill until after. Movie ends and we head back to his car. He drives to a more secluded area in the parking lot. And obviously things start happening. He kisses me and then I went down on him. We’re both about to move on to full-on sex when he screams.
I pop my head up to see a creepy man outside our car in a trench coat. While I’m laughing my head off, my date jumped over me to the driver’s seat and shifted the engine from park to drive. My body flew to the back of the seat—hitting my head hard, tits flailing. It was not good. Needless to say, we did not finish having sex. He was too scared the bad man in the trench coat would return.”
8
Shocking Shags: Raccoons
Jane, 31
“Back in college, when I lived in the dorms and my boyfriend lived in a house with several roommates, we struggled to find a place to have sex…alone. Naturally, that led to us laying out a bunch of blankets on the roof of his garage and having sex up there under the stars. It was the middle of the night and we figured no one would be walking by in our small town, so it weirdly satisfied our public-sex kink while also being more private than our bedrooms.
But of course, one of his roommates stumbled home very intoxicated while we were up there, startling us as he walked by the garage. We froze, and he looked around, clearly having heard something, but confused as to where it was coming from. He shrugged and proceeded to take a pee on the side of the garage while we perched, naked, above him. He then went inside, and we got on with our night. The next day, he informed us that he thought raccoons or some other animals were living in the roof of the garage.”
9
Shocking Shags: Blood And Beer
Chris, 25
“I once got a really bad nosebleed during sex. I get nosebleeds sometimes, every couple months or so, and sometimes they can get pretty bad, but it’s not a big deal. We were having sex doggy-style. The lights were out and I was a little drunk. OK, I was a lot drunk. Apparently, at some point, a nosebleed started and I never noticed. We turned the lights on, and it was all over her face and back. For some reason, at first she thought she had gotten her period and I was like, ‘Logistically, how would that even work?’ Anyway, it looked pretty ridiculous when we turned the light back on.”
10
Shocking Shags: Don’t Sex While Driving
Carlos, 28
“We were having sex in the front seat of a car at the entrance to an empty local park. We figured it was a good, private spot for us. Anyway, we were going at it pretty hard and one of us, I think it was me, wound up hitting the car out of park. It took us a few seconds to realize the car was moving forward and was going to hit a fence. We weren’t in any real danger outside of some scratched paint and a few dings. But we still both freaked out.
I tried to climb over her to get into the driver’s seat and hit the brake, but she was also moving over and blocked me. I wound up just getting out and running around to the driver’s side and threw the car in park. That’s when we noticed two hikers coming out of the woods (it wasn’t that late, it was just after dark). I don’t know how much they saw, but they were definitely laughing.”
A few things to take from this: Don’t do it in public, don’t do it when people are in the house, don’t bleed and DEFINITELY don’t do it in a car. Whether you take that advice is up to you. If you want to buy the t-shirts that inspired this weeks blog, please click here. Maybe you could even wear one next time you do the deed (I wouldn’t recommend it). Although after reading that, the first thing you might want to buy is locks for your bedroom door.
If you want to hear anymore funny sexual stories, click here.
