St Patrick’s Day is just around the corner. A day to commemorate the patron saint of Ireland, it is a party of grand proportions, and with so many Irish contingencies all over the world, it is celebrated far and wide. With so much joy and frolicking, it comes as no surprise that plenty of mishaps and crazy exploits have come from Guinness induced Irishmen on this special day. Today’s blog is dedicated to bringing you these funny moments, in the hope that you don’t repeat their very silly perils. This is Leprechaun Lunacy: 10 side splitting St Patricks Day stories for you all to smile at. So pour yourself a stout, put on something green and read away!
1
Leprechaun Lunacy: Sob Story Shots
When I was in college, I took 11 shots of whiskey at a St. Patrick’s Day fraternity party and told everyone in the room I’d been molested by my priest when I was a kid. This wasn’t true (I’m Jewish), but everyone was sympathetic and gave me more shots to take the pain away, I guess. I have no idea what happened after that, but I came to at 4:30 AM in a playground tube slide down the street that reeked of piss. I hate myself for this story.
2
Leprechaun Lunacy: 5 Star Escort
It was 2011, so Uber wasn’t an option. I took a shot that went down wrong and threw up all over my table at the bar. This got me kicked out, and I was sitting on the sidewalk outside dry heaving when I saw a taxi with its light on drive by on the street in front of me. I jumped up and ran after it, yelling and waving my arms. It stopped, and I hopped in and told the driver my address. I realized the moment I closed the door that I was sitting in the back of a cop car. Lucky for me, the officers were in a good mood. They made fun of me for a few minutes, pretended they were going to drive me to the station, but ended up taking me home instead.
3
Leprechaun Lunacy: Identical Infidelity
I’d been dating a girl, who had a fraternal twin sister, for about two months. They looked alike but not Olsen-twins alike. After spending time hanging out with the two of them, I was starting to develop a crush on my girlfriend’s sister, and I was getting vibes from her that made me think she felt it too. On St. Patrick’s Day, the three of us went to a party together, and my girlfriend got blackout drunk and had to go home early.
One thing led to another, and the twin and I got wasted and hooked up. Afterward, I decided to call my girl and leave her a voicemail confessing to everything… with a twist. I told her I’d been so drunk I’d mistaken her sister for her, so it wasn’t really cheating, right? Like I said, these twins are not identical. I didn’t have a girlfriend when I woke up the next morning.
4
Leprechaun Lunacy: The Galway Guinness Guzzler
A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, ‘I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin’ fools. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.’ The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan’s offer. One man named Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?’ asks Paddy. The Texan answers, ‘Yes’, and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, ‘If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?’
Paddy Murphy replies, ‘Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.’
5
Leprechaun Lunacy: Face Down Buns Off
I was working at a bar and grill called Duke’s, which was right next to the Weiner Circle in Lincoln Park. A dude came in blacked-out in a neon green leotard onesie. In an attempt to save himself he ordered a burger and fries. When the food came out he took the bun off the top to what I assume was put ketchup on top but instead fell asleep face first on the burger. I shook him and he immediately shot up and a giant piece of lettuce was stuck to the top of his forehead. I said, ‘You gotta go, man.’ He responded, ‘good call,’ and walked out with a giant slab of romaine still stuck to his dome.
6
Leprechaun Lunacy: Senior Year Sh*tshow
My roommates and I were absolute sh*tshows for 4 straight years, and we had only been building up steam for our shenanigans as the years went by. We only encouraged and brought out each others’ worst inner drunkards. By senior year, we could literally not be tamed. St. Patrick’s Day that year was a green blur, but due to photographic evidence and eye witnesses I know that it involved.
Here it goes: Me making out with a random guy and then random guy’s friend; one of my boobs falling out of my shirt whilst I was completely unaware and dancing by myself in the corner of a bar; stealing candy from a grocery store by very obviously stuffing it down the back of my pants; dragging a neighbour’s plant from their porch onto mine for no reason other than we wanted new foliage; sticking my fingers down my roommate’s throat and passing out next to her on the bathroom floor; going to a buffet for lunch the next afternoon and then promptly vomiting outside their establishment. And, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
7
Leprechaun Lunacy: Bathroom Intruder
St. Patrick’s Day 2012, I was 21 and out at an awful bar with some friends. Ended up getting a lot more wasted than I was anticipating, as one does. I blacked out at some point and woke up in my bed the next morning with a friend who I barely remembered hooking up with. Still drunk, I had to ask my friend to explain what happened the night before and was told that I got kicked out of the bar because I was in the men’s room and refused to leave when a security guard tried to get me out of there. I was belligerent and apparently said something along the lines of “I’m not here to look at anybody’s penis, I just need to pee!” I still think I was in the right.
8
Leprechaun Lunacy: Couple Swap
It was St Patrick’s Day and two married couples, Paddy and Lara and Seamus and Kelly are drinking in a bar, heavily intoxicated. They get so drunk that the four of them decide to swap partners for the night.
One couple takes the opportunity in both hands. One thing leads to another, and after 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says: “I wonder how the girls are getting on”.
9
Leprechaun Lunacy: Pervy Elvis
When I was about 12, I was at a big community St. Patrick’s Day party held by the local Irish-American society.
For some reason, there was an Elvis impersonator. He wasn’t performing or anything, he was just dressed as Elvis for fun. And Elvis was drunk.
He kept following me around (keep in mind, I was 12 and he was about 50) trying to dance with me. Then he kept saying that I looked like Priscilla and he wanted to marry me. He took some flower lei off his neck and put it on mine.
It was so creepy and To-Catch-A-Predator ish. He kind of ruined real Elvis for me since I can’t listen to Elvis without thinking of that weirdo child molester (but real Elvis did get with real Priscilla when she was 13 so maybe that’s okay).
10
Leprechaun Lunacy: The Day In Review
Wake up
Have breakfast
Meet up with your mates
Start drinking in a comically lethal manner
Go see a sub par/excellent parade (depends on location and sobriety)
Drink some more, raise a glass to st. patrick, sing some questionably irish songs.
Deal with a member of your group who has gone mad from drinking too much (there’s at least one every year)
Watch people pass out/go home because they are too drunk
Drink some more in someone’s house until the small hours of the morning reminiscing on the events of this year and previous year’s paddy’s days.
Get home 4-5 am more drunk than you can possibly imagine
Get up to go to work at 8 am, where everyone will be comparing hangovers. All the while mentioning how they cant wait for next year’s paddy’s day to do it all again.
-Total drinking time = 12-14 hours
-total amount drunk = equivalent of 10-12L of beer maybe more
-relevence to st patrick or anything christian = none
-great night had by all = most likely
Ending Note
St Patrick’s Day is a sordid affair in most cases. Due to the fact that drinking alcohol is usually initiated during the early hours of the morning, many party goers have descending into some form of vile degeneracy by midday. But by god does this make for some good stories to look back on. If you want to buy the t-shirt that inspired this blog then please click here. If you want to read more hilarious St Patricks Day stories then please click here. So if you’re out this St Pats then please try not to succumb to the drunken drooling mess that most people turn into, but if you do then make sure to send any funny stories our way! Thanks once again for reading and please tune in next time for more unhinged anecdotal blogs.
