Alcohol. Beer. Vodka. The catalyst for many of lives more memorable – no matter how much you’d like to forget them – moments. As we grow into adult life, we (most of us anyway) become less clumsy, so all our recent injuries are usually a result of heavy intoxication. But boy, half of them come with a great story too! We’ve all been there, the family barbecue that you attend with the intention of reuniting with old cousins, but end up being here for the beer. Most of the time when you descend into some sort of drunken chaos, an absolute gem for the memory books will arise late into the night. So without further a do, grab your favourite beverage, put your feet up and read through our collection of merry mishaps of people under the influence of the world renowned dizziness generator – Alcohol.
1
Here For The Beer: Very Important Person
James, 31
“I was in a nightclub on Manchester. Somehow I managed to get into the VIP area and some guy was giving me and a friend bottles of vodka – yes, bottles of vodka. I woke up in a private bathroom area were the door was being kicked in by a bouncer. I was lifted outside by two bouncers and left on the street. A homeless man woke me up to inform me that someone had robbed my phone from pocket. I got my phone back but my dignity is still somewhere in Manchester.”
2
Here For The Beer: Breaking And Entering (And Barfing)
Kayleigh, 24
“Once, I was drunk and walked to my friend’s apartment to crash there. The door was unlocked, so I went inside, but no one was home. I noticed the apartment looked different, but thought maybe they’d redecorated. So I decided to just get in her bed and go to sleep, but I’d drank so much that I ended up throwing up all over the room. After cleaning myself up and borrowing some clothes from her closet, I finally went to sleep. But when I left the next morning, I found out that my friend had been wondering where I was all night. Apparently, the apartment I slept in wasn’t her. I threw up in a random stranger’s room, borrowed a random stranger’s clothes, and fell asleep in a random strangers bed.”
3
Here For The Beer: Total Blackout
Jane, 67
“I worked in a bar. One day a friend of mine came in and I greeted her and exclaimed how long it had been since I saw her. It had to be at least 3 years and I wanted to know all about what she had been up to. At first she laughed her head off as did I because we were very close friends and happy to see each other. Then as the conversation moved on she began to look at me funny. I insisted that she tell me what was going on in her life…was she in college, did she have a boyfriend…stuff like that.
Finally she said that she was there to give me something and she pulled a package of photos out of her purse (this was in the 70s). Oh goody I thought pictures. She said, I told you I would bring these by tonight and I wanted to Thank you for coming and for all the nice things you said. She handed me a picture and there was me holding a glass of champagne. Nothing unusual about that.
I could not remember this pic so I asked her when it was taken. She said last weekend at my wedding. You were toasting me and my husband. Turns out I had shown up at her wedding and had a very nice time and I did not remember one minute of it. As I thumbed through the photos I saw myself talking to several old friends, dancing, eating, and having fun. Fun I do not remember one minute of…or how I got there, where it was held, how I knew where to go…etc, etc etc.
When I told her all that she thought I was kidding because I didn’t act, look or sound drunk…she said I even caught the bouquet. When I finally convinced her (apparently I was sometimes confused and she thought I was joking), she filled in some of the blanks which did nothing to enlighten me…By far the most bizarre blackout ever. And technically I experienced none of it.”
4
Here For The Beer: Impersonation
Barry, 27
“Back in February 2016 I was bored. I decided to go visit my aunt in Scotland. I had a nice time with her. Before I left I went down to Edinburgh to visit my 2nd cousin Shaun. I was 22 and felt like a little drink. I’d forgotten a night drinking with Shaun was a night reminiscent of The Hangover.
I have always had a strong memory, even in blackout drunk. We started the night in his apartment drinking vodka before heading for the bar. We started three bar fights in three separate pubs, pissed off radio host Paul Phear (of Smooth Radio) who was hosting a night opening by stealing his shoes and hat and stole a street sign. At the end of the night about 2.30am we stoned a parked police car for fun only to be chased through Edinburgh alleys. There was a dip in one alley me and Shaun avoided but the police didn’t. The two police officers chasing us got knocked out from the fall. Me and Shaun, paranoid they would remember us, stole their uniforms and went home. Woke up still wearing them. I went home back to Ireland the next night.”
5
Here For The Beer: Sloshed Sparring
Chris, 29
“I got so pissed on Stella Artois one time that I kept saying I wanted to spar with somebody. I wasn’t angry or anything, in fact I was super happy, I just wanted to know how I’d do in a fight since I’d never really been in one. We go 100% for a few minutes, then shake hands and be friends.
Well, I was muscular back then so nobody jumped at the chance at first, until good old Danny came over. Danny was an amateur MMA fighter and sparred with other fighters daily. He had 10 official matches and won all of them. He was only half my size but at least the same strength as me, if not stronger. After all the shit I talked to people for being scared to fight me, I couldn’t wimp out when Danny offered to spar. I wanted an average person with the skill level as me (no fights), not a guy that fought for fun! Needless to say, a left hook, an armbar and a rear naked choke later had left me seeing stars, and granted me a huge helping of humble pie!”
6
Here For The Beer: Missing Persons Report
Sasha, 20
“After a night out in Newcastle last year I was so drunk I tried to help the staff clear up after closing and got locked in a storage unit. I was in there for about half an hour and was shivering so much that when the manager found me, she wrapped me in a foil blanket and drove me in her Volvo to the RVI. They tried to do blood tests on me – absolutely fucking not thank you – so I decided to escape to Leazes. During the night I had lost my keys and phone (obviously) so I threw rocks at my friends’ windows to try and wake them up.
With no response, I scanned my options and believe it or not, the most appealing one was to sleep under a bush in the Leazes car park. After many a trial and tribulation I managed to get back into my room in the morning. I was so cold by this point that I took a half an hour shower which was rudely interrupted by a Leazes security guard bursting into my room and bathroom (I forgot to lock the door.. whoops) to check that I was alive, but they literally walked into my shower while I was butt naked. They told me I was a missing person and the police had been involved for hours.”
7
Here For The Beer: Naked Nightmare
Armand, 19
“So a friend of a friend went back to this girl’s house after a night out. They had sex and then this guy decided he wanted to ditch so ran out of the room, completely naked without his clothes or things. Then decided to run out of the house itself. The door closed behind him and then he was like “Shit! I’m naked!!!”. Anyway, by this point there’s other people out and about on the streets, and someone saw him and called the police because this guy was running around the streets of Leeds stark bollock naked.
So the police show up and proceed to take him home in a little towel. As the guy had forgotten his keys they had to knock on the door. His housemate opened the door and the police literally asked “Is this yours?”. The most awkward part is that the guy had to go back to the girl’s house the next day and collect all of his stuff”
8
Here For The Beer: Mistaken Identity
Callum, 23
“My friend was getting with this girl, and things were going well so they got a taxi back to hers. They get back and go into her room briefly, before anything happened he wanted to quickly go to the loo. Does his business, then comes out of the loo and couldn’t really remember which door was the girl’s room, he thought; “Oh it’s the one next to the bathroom”, he walked in, there she is lying in bed and he saw her long hair and so thought it was the same girl he had been with all evening. So he jumps into bed with her and started stroking her and there was a bit of fondling going on, this poor girl wakes up and turned around to him “What the fuck! What the fuck are you doing, who are you? Who are you here for?”.
Confused he replied “What do you mean who am I here for? I’m here for you?” Thinking that this was all one girl. She said to him “Well, no! Get out of my bed, go home!”. Confused, he leaves the rooms and decides to go back to his after an eventful evening. But while he’s walking downstairs deciding that his strange night out was finally over, but he bumped into the original girl on the stairs on his way out. She said to him “Where have you been!?” and he was like “…oh SHHHHIIIIITTTT”.”
9
Here For The Beer: Who Shit On Me?
Anna, 32
“20 years old, let friends stay at house after a party, continue drinking into the night.. go to bed. wake up next day, go into living room where I had 3 friends sleeping. poop everywhere…
Poo.
flip my shit.
Friend crawling on floor grabs my leg “Anna, who shit on me?”
He’s covered in shit. In shit-stained underwear. His pants across the room on the floor, poop larger than I’ve ever seen in them, and a smear trail leading away.
He denies it even today.
He was a big guy, and the amount of poop was devastating. I had to replace furniture.”
10
Here For The Beer: It’s A Man!
Carlos, 34
“Five of us spent the weekend in Juarez a while back (before it was so dangerous). One dude drank nothing but tequila and spent the whole night chatting up a girl he was convinced was the hottest thing he had ever seen. We spent the whole night trying to convince him she was a dude. One blowjob in an alley later, she flops out her cock for reciprocation. He actually threw up on him/her and ran out to us yelling “Fuck fuck fuck!!” We laughed and laughed. And laughed. Then laughed some more.”
Alcohol is a hell of a drug It makes you lose all control of your common sense, motor neurone skills and of course, bodily fluids. Anyone who makes the claim they’ve never embarrassed themselves while drunk, is the same sort of person who says they shower twice a day. Whilst it may not be the best thing to being doing so regularly, a tipple or two every now and then, in my eyes, can bring nothing but hilarious memories. If you want to buy the t-shirt inspired by this blog then please click here. Just remember, if you’re half cut and fancy a wrestle with someone, just make sure there’s no professional fighters within earshot!
If you want to hear some more drunken tales, click here.
