Fatherhood. One of the trickiest, challenging occupations on earth. The job comes with a lot of risk to no reward for your efforts. I’m sure a lot of Dads have secretly questioned their life choices, seven minutes into a terrible twos tantrum. Babies are like an old radio station with only one channel; constant screaming with the occasional splutter for effect. It is a big task to become the permanent guardian of someone so small and fragile, but like most things, it does not come without a few moments of joy and laughter along the way. So, in this weeks blog we bring you Disastrous Dads: 10 Funny Fatherhood Anecdotes To Lift Your Mood!
1
Disastrous Dads: Building A Colony
Carl, 37
“I once caught my youngest son (about 3 at the time) peeing in the corner of his room…right next to the wastebasket and sort of behind a bookshelf. When I asked him why he was doing that when there was a bathroom 10 feet away, he said he was “watering the ants.”
Confused about what ants and why, I went over and peeked behind the bookshelf. And I found the ants. And the half donut he’d swiped and shoved back there. Along with various bits of candy, a slice of bread, and most of a chicken nugget. Apparently, he had seen an ant and decided to cultivate his own little ant farm in his room.
It was so absurd that I had a hard time holding it together while explaining to him that the ants would do just fine without feeding them and pissing on them.”
2
Disastrous Dads: Have You Checked In Between The Couch?
John, 32
“I was walking through the hospital ward with my then four year old son when a man on crutches with one amputated leg got into the same elevator as us. My son said, in stage whisper, “Dad, what happened to his leg?”
The man heard him and kindly said that he lost his leg a year ago. My son didn’t miss a beat and said “Did you check between the couch cushions? My dad says he always loses shit in there.”
I was appalled. The man, on the other hand was laughing so hard he was crying.”
3
Disastrous Dads: Bath Time
Marcus, 40
“One morning we awoke to find our 2 year old boy covered head to toe in urine because he had removed his diaper. So while bathing him, our 5 year old girl asked if she could take a bath too. It was a weekday and we were all running very late getting ready for work and trying to get the kids to school on time. We explained to her that there was no time and the only reason he was getting a bath was because he peed his bed. She then went to her room, laid down, peed herself and re-emerged in the bathroom to say “Can I have my bath now?”.
I absolutely lost my shit, laughing uncontrollably. The mum was not so amused. I made pancakes and we all played kerplunk. We’re separated now, and this is still my favourite memory of when things were good.”
4
Disastrous Dads: Daniel Stop!
Kevin, 28
“My son, who was 1.5 years, followed his 5 year old cousin to the toilet. My son has always been fascinated by a stream of piss and I had to hold him back when he followed me to the bathroom. On this particular trip with his cousin though….all we heard was “Daniel stop, Daniel stop!” We went to the bathroom and saw Daniel washing his hands in his cousins stream of piss, while his cousin is moving around trying to stop Daniel whilst absolutely pissing everywhere. That will be a good story to tell when he’s older!”
5
Disastrous Dads: Abseiling
Craig, 43
“When we were younger my and my wife decided to be long term foster carers. One of the kids was a little lad, a bit messed up but ultimately an absolute little dude.
Me and my wife once found him on our open plan staircase. He’d got all his clothes and bed sheets, tied them in a long rope, tied one end around the bannister pole at the top and was in the process of tying the other end around his waist.
He was literally going to abseil off, what’s roughly a 15ft drop onto solid wood floors. His clothes rope was about 30ft (he’d used duvets.)
We then realised that having kids is basically just trying to stop little dudes from killing themselves. I pissed myself when I experienced this situation though.”
6
Disastrous Dads: Diagnosis Of The Dumb
Clive, 46
“My child was around 11 years old and stayed home from school because they were sick. They’re definitely a huge hypochondriac, so what better to do on their day off than to hop on WebMD and find out why they are so sick?
After 5 minutes of research my kid had pinned it down to one thing that it absolutely had to be. Ovarian cancer.
My child called up my wife, who’s a nurse, and told her the devastating news. It was met with hysterical laughter. There they are sitting in bed heartbroken that their own mother is laughing at their inevitable demise.
My child is a male.
And that’s the day that he found out that men don’t get ovarian cancer.”
7
Disastrous Dads: Here Kitty!
Davros, 36
“My boy was playing around in our front yard when he was around three years old, while me and my partner were on the front porch reading the newspaper together. Off in the distance, we heard him say “here kitty kitty! Such a pretty kitty!” At first we ignored it and just kept reading together, I guess I just thought he was using his imagination or something.
Eventually, his mom glanced over and immediately proceeded to scream. My boy quickly dropped a dead possum, covered in ants, and began crying because his mom yelled at him.
We got his eyes checked after that. There was nothing wrong with them. He was just a very confused 3 year old.”
8
Disastrous Dads: Young Hustlers
Monk, 26
“I was driving somewhere with my two young sons in the backseat. The eldest was around five, which would have made the youngest about 3 or 4. They were chattering with each other and I just kind of just tuned them out to drive. At some point I heard something though that made me tune back in.
“Okay, hold real still…”
At that point it dawned on me what they had been discussing. I swerved the car over to the side of the road, turned, and screamed ‘NOOO!’
My eldest had a hammer swung back, ready to knock all of his baby brother’s teeth out as he eagerly bared them for him.
I had stupidly left a hammer under the seat of the car and my five year old had found it and somehow convinced his brother to let him knock all of his teeth out for tooth fairy money so that they could be rich.”
9
Disastrous Dads: You’re The Boss!
Thomas, 35
“We lived in a very small town when my kids were growing up so we gave them a good amount of freedom at a young age. Everyone in the town knew everybody and starting around age 4-5 my eldest son would ride his bike everywhere (baseball park, candy store, town park, barber shop, etc.). He particularly loved going to get his hair cut since the barber shop was a classic guys guy place where it was always the same 6 men working (5 Italian guys from the same family and one Portuguese guy who was their friend).
He would just go in and sit down and I would pay for it the next time I went in for a cut. For some reason, my young lad hated getting his hair cut by the Portuguese guy, Tony.. not sure if it was because he was rough with the clippers or if he just didn’t think he was as funny as the rest of them, but whatever it was, he would wait an extra 20 min to avoid him.
This particular time he went in, Tony was hell bent on getting my son in his chair. He offered him candy, a free cut, even offered to sing to him but none of his attempts caught his interest until he told him “Sit down and tell me whatever you would like, you sit in the seat and you’re the boss.”
He clarifies, “I sit in that seat and I become your boss?”
Tony: “you’re the boss, just take a seat”
Son: “I’m the boss?”
Tony: “you da boss”
Son: “……. I am the boss?”
Tony: “YOU. DA. BOSS.”
Son: hops in his seat “alright, YOU ARE FIRED!!!” gets right out of his seat
The entire barber shop took a minute pause for laughter and Tony was standing there cursing in Portuguese slapping his towel on the empty seat.
I came in a week later and there was another immediate burst of laughter when I walked in and them struggling to get the story out with all of the chuckles. They did not charge me for the cut he got that day.”
10
Disastrous Dads: The Peanut Monster
Richard, 56
“I have three sons and there’s an age gap. Currently they are 28, 26 and 16. When 16 was four and 26 was 14, they had an incident. See, 14 liked to teach 4 naughty things to say. He taught him things like “the peanut monster”, which is the tale of how girls become girls. See, the peanuts (4 couldn’t pronounce penis) monster was to be feared. All babies are born boys and when you do something really bad, the peanuts monster sneaks in at night, cuts your peanuts off and leaves you with a vagina. And then you’re a girl. So 14 would threaten 4 that if he told me any of the naughty things he was taught (mostly bad words), the peanuts monster would visit.
I found this out when 4 was telling the tale to my neighbour while we were over for coffee. At the end of his story, he leaned over to pat her knee and asked “do you understand now? You did something bad so now you have a vagina” How that dear woman kept a straight face, I’ll never know, but the moment he turned his back, she lost it. Laughed so hard she had tears running down her face.
But that’s not the end. 14 had a large group of friends over and 4 was bugging them, as little brothers often do. 14 had to poop so he was in the bathroom that shared a wall with his room. I heard yelling, so I’m on my way to see what the deal is. 14 is yelling insults from the toilet at 4 and as I get to the bedroom, I hear 4 yell back “Hey 14! Don’t forget to wipe your VA-GINA” All of 14’s friends were cracking up. It was hilarious. He deserved it because he taught him that.”
Despite all the problems and pissy fits they bring, kids really can bring out the best in you. The stories in this blog will be ones the dads will no doubt take to their grave with absolute fondness and joy. When you think about it, being a Dad really isn’t that bad. In fact, some would go as far to say it is the best job in the world. If you want to buy the t-shirt that inspired this blog then please click the link here. If you want to read more funny fatherhood stories, please click here. Thanks for reading as always, tune in next week for more tummy tickling tales!
