They say you spend more time with your work colleagues than anybody else. How crazy is that? That being said, it would probably be helpful if you got along with them, otherwise it’s liking turning up to 8 hours of audio torture everyday, and no one wants that. But spending all that time in one place, there has to be some excitement crop up every now and then. So after scouring the net for the best stories from your places of work, we present to you Occupational hazards: 10 Chaotic Catastrophes from the workplace! So get a coffee, put your filing to the side, take a fag break, strap in and enjoy these hilarious occupation tales!
1
Occupational Hazards: Sub-Par Service
Chris, 24
“I worked at a Deli. Had a gentlemen come in with his son one night. The son looked to be around his early thirties. Also, he was clearly f*cked up on something. They both ordered the exact same type of foot long sub. Being the nice guy I am, I just made a two foot sub, cut it in fourths, wrapped it up, and saved them a few dollars by doing it like this.
The son comes by to pick up the subs, and asks why there is only one wrapped up. I explained that they are both there and I saved them a few dollars. The son mumbles a thank you, starts talking to me about god knows what because I couldn’t understand a word he was saying. Gives me a fist bump and leaves. That’s the end of that. Or so I thought…
A police officer walks in about ten minutes later and starts asking me questions about the guy. I answer them and ask what happened. Turns out the son walked to his car, got a knife, came back into the store, was stopped at the door because, well, he was holding a f*cking knife and said that he was going to stab somebody. Apparently he was going back in to stab me.”
2
Occupational Hazards: Odd Ball
Jenny, 37
“Used to work at a place that attracted odd balls, but there was one guy who took the biscuit. When he was hired he seemed like an odd, but ultimately likeable chap.
A couple of months later one day one of the secretaries came in and started complaining. She couldn’t find one of her high heels which she kept under her desk. We all had a quick look, but she was quite ditsy so we assumed that she had just lost it. Then a few days later another lady lost her jacket. Then another lost her dress shirt she kept in one of the lockers, stuff started to go missing.
One day a few weeks after stuff started going missing, I was leaving the pub after some after work beers, and realised I’d left my house keys on my desk. On the way the one too many beers kept crept up in my bladder so I decided to drain the snake in the office toilets while I’m there. I slam open the door in a semi intoxicated state, fully expecting it to be empty.
It wasn’t.
In front of me, squeezed into various bit of my co workers clothing and shoes, is the odd ball in question, facing the mirror furiously tearing his dick off. I freeze. He freezes. I shout and run out, with this horrifying image in my head burning on my retinas. I immediately email my boss and hurry home. The man was fired the next day.”
3
Occupational Hazards: Got A Fag?
Butch, 27
“Worked as a groundskeeper at a print shop downtown across from the bus station. Broad daylight and this homeless guy pulls down his pants and takes an extremely gnarly sh*t right on the asphalt. Then he asked me for a cigarette.”
4
Occupational Hazards: Dark Happenings
Leah, 20
“We caught on our camera a group of 7 people dressed in all black during the middle of the night by the side of our building, spray painting a pentagram and some weird symbols. We think its just a prank by some kids but it freaked me out a bit. The owner came by a few weeks later to repaint that area of the wall back to its original colour.
Now our bell that goes off every time customers come in will ring whenever there are no customers. We’ll run up to the cashier counter to find nobody. Also now we get phones calls that automatically hang up in the mornings, but only on the weekdays. I try to ignore most things because honestly I don’t get paid enough to fight with demons. If the demon is not actively trying to kill me, then we’re cool.”
5
Occupational Hazards: Secrets From The Grave
Darlene, 31
“I used to work as a receptionist at a car dealership. When I first started, we had an online sales manager named Chris. Chris was a complete douchebag and never really grew out of his college self; he was mid 30’s and married and still talked about cocaine and football all day. He also LOVED to hit on customers, and had zero concern for the presence of a husband or boyfriend.
There was a particular couple that had worked with Chris for years, and had bought not only themselves cars from him, but their kids cars too. They would often stop in just to say hello and to chat with him. I saw them come in together one day to talk to Chris briefly, and didn’t see either of them again for about 7 or 8 months. I had no idea at the time that Chris was sleeping with the guy’s wife and had been for a very long time.
Fast forward about 7-8 months, the husband comes in at about 3pm on a friday; we’re super busy. Keep in mind that I know nothing about these people’s personal lives, so I had no idea what was about to happen or why it was a big issue that this guy was in the dealership.
He came up to the front desk and asked me if he could talk to Chris. He was holding a ceramic jar. I didn’t bother to ask about it and told him that Chris wasn’t here today, which was the truth. He seemed calm enough and said “alright” and walked over to the showroom.
The man walks in circles for a little bit, not really looking at any cars. He keeps walking towards Chris’ office, and turning around when he gets close to it. This goes on for maybe 20 minutes until out of nowhere, he goes up to Chris’ office and slides a note under the door, walks out to the middle of the showroom, and opens the jar. He begins slowly pouring out the contents of the jar, which looked like dust or even gunpowder.
Once he was done pouring out the jar, he went mad. He threw the jar at the ground and started kicking the powder around, still not saying a single word. Our GM eventually came out and grabbed him with the help of another salesman and escorted him out front.
Turns out, the man’s wife had passed away recently and he found out after her death that she had cheated. He had her cremated and spread her ashes in our showroom. Chris never told any of us what was on the note, and we had to close the dealership for 3 days and have a biohazard team come and give us the OK to re open.”
6
Occupational Hazards: Raunchy Reset
Brice, 21
“I work at a 24 hour McDonald’s. Every night the system is reset and no orders can be taken for about 10 minutes. This story happened a few years ago. I was taking orders in the drive thru, and explained to the customer about the reset and they decided to wait. I guess the couple in the car figured I couldn’t hear them. The male said “what do you wanna do? Wanna blow me?” Followed by some giggling and very quiet bj sounds. A good handful of employees listened and laughed most of the 10 minute reset.”
7
Occupational Hazards: Leaving Present
Dale, 34
“I worked at a restaurant called Fry’s. When I started there was a blonde woman who I forget her name now, let’s call her Beth.
Beth was overly enthusiastic to the point of being incredibly annoying to any and every employee/customer. Beth was apparently also a pathological liar and frequently left her shifts early to do god knows what…
When she was fired, she came back with a nice, purple present. All wrapped up with a white bow and everything. It was meant to be an apology to the manager, but she quickly dropped it off and took off saying she was busy. It smelled like it had been doused in a gallon of perfume, but she seemed half crazed so whatever. The manager for her department at the time took it and opened it near the registers.
Inside was a lump of shit. She shit in a box and gave it to her manager.”
8
Occupational Hazards: Crazy Russian
Terrence, 45
“I worked for a big company years ago as the shipping manager. One of the guys I hired was an ex-Russian army guy. He was pretty good, hard worker and all that. Still a little off, if you know what I mean. So one day he doesn’t show up and no phone call. The next day he calls me and he sounds like he’s high. He’s in the hospital. After work I go by the hospital (we were kinda friends) and his whole right side is fucking black as night. Not a stitch of white. Serious bruising. Broken leg and arm. I asked him what the hell happened and he told me that, him and his friends were “having party” in his 5th floor apartment.
He was having an argument with one of his friends (as seemed to be a regular Russian thing for them to do). His friend was saying that he never follows through or something like that. So my friend stated that he always follows through. My friend says “If I told you I would jump out that window, I would”. His friend says,. “Hahaha, you wouldn’t dare”. So crazy f*cking Yuri runs and leaps out the window, down on to the parking lot below. He spent over a month in the Hospital to prove a point. F*cking ridiculous. He quit and I didn’t see or hear from him until a year later he called me on the phone all drunk telling me I was Jesus. The end.”
9
Occupational Hazards: Calling Yourself
Marlon, 52
“I worked for a private ambulance company for a while. One of my co workers had a patient die in the ambulance with her. Then she told the person driving to pull over. She took out a cell phone and called 911. From the back of a f*cking ambulance.”
10
Occupational Hazards: Craigslist
Margo, 33
“I was a manager of a couple departments for a local grocery chain a few years ago. I had a girl on one of my teams who was terminated for basically breaking every rule in the book – she sucked.
Even though I wasn’t the one who fired her, or made the decision (I didn’t have that power), she decided to take revenge on me.
A week after her termination I started getting calls on my cell phone from strange men wanting to have sex. Turns out she made a fake listing on Craigslist, soliciting me for sex. After much digging and convincing one of the strange dudes to assist me with getting evidence, I was able to make a police report. It’s a two-year felony to impersonate someone online/solicit them without permission (in Michigan, at that time).
The fun part is when the police wouldn’t press charges because it was a one-time thing. Yep. This girl endangered me by OFFERING ME FOR SEX ON CRAIGSLIST WITH MY PERSONAL CELLPHONE NUMBER but it was a one-time thing.”
Crazy right? You never know what is going to happen at work. Some people have incredibly mundane and boring work lives, for some people (Like the ones mentioned in this blog) it’s definitely the opposite. If you want to buy the t-shirt that inspired this blog, please click here. If you want to read more hilarious stories please click here. Come back next week for more funny stories!
