Grandads. To some they are like parents, to some they are human bank accounts, to some they are nothing but the smell of fags and racist stereotypes. Whatever your relationship, you can’t deny that your parents dads have some interesting stories. Usually from the ‘good old days’ where houses were 4 grand at you could retire at 55 (but hey, kids these days have it so easy, right?). Grandads can be the best, but sadly, they’re not usually around for much of your life, so the stories your share are all that more special. So let us remind you of just how funny having a grand parent can be. Here is 10 grandad gaffs to make you OAP-iss yourself!
1
Grandad Gaffs: The Foreshadower
Just before a families daughter, Sally, goes to sleep, she tells her family.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandad, goodbye Grandma.”
Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”
“Oh, I don’t know, I just felt like it.”
The very next day, her grandma died.
That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandad.
Her dad was very suspicious, but said nothing.
The very next day, Sally’s grandad died.
That night, when Sally said “Good night Mom, goodbye Dad.”, Sally’s dad began to panic. He knew this couldn’t just be a coincidence. So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.
Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried. He managed to arrive home safely, and asked his wife how her day had been.
“Oh, it was just awful!” she replied. “The Milkman died!
2
Grandad Gaffs: An Untimely Demise
The teacher asked a student what the easiest way to die is.
“I think the easiest way to die is how my grandpa died,” one of the students answered.
“And how did your grandpa die?” the teacher asked.
“He died while he was asleep.” answered the student.
“And what is the worst way to die?” the teacher asked again.
The same student raised his hand, “I think the worst way to die is how my grandpa’s friends died,” answered the student.
“And how did your grandpa’s friends die?” the teacher asked.
“They died with my grandpa in the car he was driving.” said the student.
3
Grandad Gaffs: Sore Subject
Two German friends chat and soon they come to the topic of the Holocaust.
One of them then looks very sad and asks his friend: “Could we change the topic, please? I’ve never told you, but my grandpa died in Auschwitz.”
The other responds: “Sure, man, no problem. But may I ask you, how did your grandfather die?”
“Well, one day he got really drunk, fell from a watchtower and broke his neck…”
4
Grandad Gaffs: Fatal Visit
I went to visit my eastern European friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes.
When I approached him he kept repeating “Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn”
Suddenly right in front of me, he passed.
Later that night I translated his last words, and they were “You’re standing on my oxygen tube”
5
Grandad Gaffs: Years In The Making
One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says “well can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied “no”.
So the grandpa says “okay.” And leaves it at that and walks off.
A few years later the boy asks his grandfather for some money again and his grandfather once again asks
“can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says “yes it can.”
To which the grandpa says “good, now go fuck yourself.”
6
Grandad Gaffs: In Mourning
A family is arranging a funeral for their dear Grandfather, who had passed away last week.
The funeral director, wanting to draw inspiration for the opening speech, asked the son, daughter-in-law, and grandson what their Grandfathers final words were.
The son replies: “To me it was to congratulate me on my job promotion, and that he was so proud of me.”
The daughter-in-law replies, with a tear in her eye: “He told me I was the perfect women for his son, and that he loved me as a real daughter.”
The funeral director was moved, so finally, he turned to the young Grandson and asked: “And what were his last words to you, dear boy?”
The Grandson replied: “He said, STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTLE CUNT!”
7
Grandad Gaffs: Technology
My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!”
I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!”
Then I unplugged his life support.
8
Grandad Gaffs: A Betting Man
When I asked my Grandad how he was so rich, he told me this story from his youth.
My Grandad gets the call from the IRS. The man on the phone says, “we’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly and we have got to get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The grandad thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.
The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to the IRS office and the man there says,” So we’ve noticed these large sums of money entering and leaving your account nonstop. Can you explain this?” The man replies,” Well, I will bet on pretty much anything. Like this! I bet you 10,000 I can bite my own eye.” The agent takes the bet, and the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says,” Wait. I’ll give you a chance to earn your money back, and more! I bet you 20,000 I can bite my other eye.” The agent thinks a minute and realizing the man isn’t blind, takes the bet. The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
He then says,” alright last chance. I bet you 50,000 i can stand on this side of your office and pee into that wastebasket on the opposite side without getting a drop anywhere in between.” The agent thinks real hard but decides it’s impossible so takes the bet. The grandad unzips his pants and pees all over the IRS agents desk. The agent jumps up and down and says, “haha! I got you now!” But the mans lawyer goes pale in the face, sinks his head in his hands and says,” He bet me 100,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you’d just love it!”
9
Grandad Gaffs: Memory Loss
My Grandad went to the doctor.
The doctor says “The test results are back, and I’m sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer’s.”
My Grandad said “Phew! At least it’s not cancer!”
10
Grandad Gaffs: Hard Of Hearing
My Grandad had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100 %.
Grandad went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
Grandad replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Whether you love them or hate them, Grandads certainly can be amusing. Make the most of your time with them. You never know when their last day will be. If you want to buy the printed t-shirt that inspired this blog, CLICK THE LINK HERE . We know sometimes they might be slow, or frustrating, or grumpier than a bear with a sore head. But always remember this: When they get you down don’t get annoyed: Just remember they can’t get far without a walking stick!
