Birthday jokes, or rather birthdays all together; are usually, overall, a happy affair. Candles, cake, presents, cards and awkward family reunions. I often reminisce with a heavy dose of cringe on trying to look excited and grateful for my 3rd cousins Lynx Africa gift set (4th year in a row). You find yourself copy and pasting the same “Thanks ______, hope you’re well x” tens of times over. At the start of the day it was nice but by the end it becomes a chore. Nevertheless, as stated before, there is a lot of joy to be found getting a year closer to death. If you’re finding yourself less than excited at the thought of an upcoming birthday, or if you are in the middle of the special occasion, receiving a patronising rant from your Uncle about “Getting your life together”, here are 5 birthday jokes to reinvigorate your celebratory mood.
1
BIRTHDAY JOKES: A Lifeless Party
A few months before his sixtieth birthday, George began planning his party. He called up his 30-year-old daughter for some help.
“Why don’t you invite all your old high school buddies?” she asked, “That could be a lot of fun.”
“I’d like to bring all my high school buddies to the party,” said George, “but I don’t want to get arrested.”
His daughter laughed, “Why would you get arrested for bringing your high school buddies to your birthday party?”
“Don’t you know?” asked George, “Grave robbing is a crime.”
2
BIRTHDAY JOKES: The Stand In (Or Lack Of)
A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter and had gone all out, a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
Guests had arrived and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and as a result would probably not make the party at all.
The woman, very disappointed, unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn, and watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
The lady spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”
The other bum says, “Well, I don’t know. Let me ask him.” “HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”
3
BIRTHDAY JOKES: New Technology
For his birthday I gave my son an iPhone.
My daughter received an iPod for her special day. For mine, I was over the moon to receive an iPad.
Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon, and that’s when the fight started…
4
BIRTHDAY JOKES: Bus Stop Bday
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,”he replied. “I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald’s for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, “Oh, you look about 29.” “I am actually 47!” she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.”
There was no one around, so the woman said, “Oh why not” and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “OK, You are 47.” Stunned, the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old man replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
5
BIRTHDAY JOKES: Sexual Deviant
A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”. The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”. With that, the baby pops right back inside.
“Damn!”, says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head push through again. “Are you my dad?”, asks the baby. “No, I am your doctor.”, he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb.
The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”.
Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out. “Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father. The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!”
The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”
Well there it is, 5 birthday jokes to make you realise one important thing; it could be a lot worse! So when the day comes that you get a year closer to death, approach it with open arms. Smile and laugh, hug your family, and remember, no one gives a fuck about your birthday more than you, so stop the announcement posts on social media, for the love of god. If you want to buy any of the t-shirts that inspired these jokes then visit HERE and get yourself well equipped for the best moment of your year!
DONT FORGET TO BLOW THE CANDLES OUT!
-BONUS JOKE-
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
