The gym can be a daunting place for newcomers. There is a big misconception however, that everybody in there has their body chiselled by Zeus. This couldn’t be further from the truth! Of course, you get your “eat sleep gym repeat” personalities, with arms so big they look like they’re carrying carpets. But the majority are just like you! Clueless as to how this machine works, or how many reps to do, or how you should do them. The gym can be a maze. It is often because of this reason that a few gems of humour slip out the cracks. So here is 10 fitness funnies which will hopefully make walking through those doors for the first time much more bearable.
1
EAT SLEEP GYM REPEAT: The Smoothest Of Transitions
A pretty overweight dude was running at full speed on a treadmill when he lost his footing, slipped, and the treadmill pretty much shot him right off of there. But where it really gets good is how he recovered. He was on one of the back treadmills that’s just in front of the mats where people do ab workouts. He landed in such a way that he was pretty much laying perfectly on the mat. So instead of getting up, he just sort of started doing crunches like nothing even happened. What a cool dude.
2
EAT SLEEP GYM REPEAT: Gym Romance
Angus, 18
“I used to be obese, 5″4 180lb. So my mother decided to get me a personal trainer. At the time I was 12 or 13 and this girl trainer was beautiful. I would work so hard to impress her and usually she could tell I was tired so then we would do a cool down. I wasn’t building muscle like I wanted to and so I asked my brother what to do. He told me vitamins were the answer.
Without a second thought 10 minutes before my session I ate all of the vitamin C I could find and washed it down with orange juice. Went to my cardio session and tried my hardest to hold down the acidic mix I just put down. Did pretty good until the ladder drill came. Then halfway through I couldn’t hold it anymore. Fluorescent orange throw up came out of my nose and mouth. I then slipped and landed in it. Needless to say my trainer was DEFINITELY impressed. Shortly after I asked my mom to withdraw me from the sessions and switch gyms”.
3
EAT SLEEP GYM REPEAT: Freedom Of Expression
Hollie, 21
“I worked at a YMCA gym for about a year, and this happened during my last week there. A young guy, about 16, came in as a guest of a member. Part of my job was to basically do laps around the gym to check on everything, and on one of my laps I see this guy has his shirt off. It’s policy to keep shirts on, so I ask him to put it back on. He says okay. I lap again, and the shirt is still off. Ask him again to put it on, he says okay. I’m rounding lap 3 and now I see his pants are off, too. Mind you I’m a 19-year-old girl at the time, and I ask him to please get dressed, and he proceeds to tell me that I can’t limit his freedom of expression or something.
The boxers come off – the man is naked. I throw an exercise mat toward him, tell his friend to dear god please contain this guy, and run to get my boss (also a petite woman). We run back and basically surround him holding exercise mats, acting sort of like censor bars. We’re begging him to get dressed and he starts, I’m not kidding, doing karate moves, kicking and flailing around with his junk all everywhere. We eventually have his friend call his parents, he starts CRYING, and comes at my boss. At this point his friend takes him down and we call the police.”
4
EAT SLEEP GYM REPEAT: King Kongs Finger
Butch, 24
“I worked at a gym for 6 years… one day an old man (65ish) came from the locker room and approached me. He said “I don’t know what I did in there, but it wont go down.” and walked away. I went in, and the smell hit me instantly. The stall had a turd (NO exaggeration) the size of my arm, from elbow the fingertips. One turd. No break in the line. I was equal parts amazed and disgusted. When you flushed the toilet, the water would (try to) swirl around it and go down, revealing the monster in all of its girth.
We let it sit there for a couple of days to soften up so we could push it down. It stank the whole time.
Also, I had to fire one of the house keepers for giving blow jobs in the steam room.”
5
EAT SLEEP GYM REPEAT: Making A Scene
Kim, 34
“One time, I saw a very fit young Asian man bench pressing. He would bring the bar down to his chest, and then project some of the loudest grunting I’ve ever heard. The whole gym was looking at him. Then finally… on his last rep, he proceeded to get a full on erection through his tight gym shorts. He then hopped up and walked around waiting for his boner to go down before he laid back down to repeat. He did this probably 5 more times.”
6
EAT SLEEP GYM REPEAT: Stained Admiration
Terry, 31
“I once saw a guy come out of the locker room with a long piece of shit-stained toilet paper hanging from the waist band of his shorts. Since it was hanging from the back of his shorts he didn’t notice it for the hour he was there. He was one of those people who had just started working out recently and mistook the glances from others as looks of admiration. Interestingly enough, he stopped to flex in front of the mirror in between every set. Poor tool.
That was me.”
7
EAT SLEEP GYM REPEAT: Running Sick
Ben, 25
“I was on the treadmill just getting up to my second mile straight, which is my warm down from the rest of my routine, and I suddenly knew I was about to be sick.
I jumped off the treadmill, leaving my stuff on it, and you know how you feel like you’re moving really fast just after coming off a treadmill? Yeah I did, I went straight over on my back and projectile vomited right up in the air, and it came back down and landed on my face.
Luckily, it was really watery sick with no chunks, so it didn’t take long to clean up.
But it was a bad day.”
8
EAT SLEEP GYM REPEAT: Injuries And Drugs
George, 45
“I have two stories for you today, the most embarrassing and the weirdest. Most embarrassing: Was on crutches (after tearing my achilles) doing a seated dumbbell shoulder press with my left arm (didn’t have enough balance with one leg to lift both). Got a little over zealous lifting it, whole bench rocked side ways until I hit the point of no return, accepted my fate, ate shit next to the bodybuilder next to me and concussed myself on his dumbbell.
Weirdest: One guy blatantly snorting cocaine off a bench while he was working out.”
9
EAT SLEEP GYM REPEAT: University Diss
Brock, 29
“This one is worst / sad / “oh god why”: when I was in graduate school I’d go to the university gym at about the same time every day, and I was friendly with some of the staff. I was chatting with one of the friendlier staff members there, and I told him I was a TA for a popular class, and he said he’d like to sit in on one of the lectures.
At that exact moment, I was squirting water into my mouth, and I choked. It had nothing to do with what he said, though he interpreted it as me thinking he’s too dumb to go to my class.
I tried to apologize, but the damage was done. =(“
10
EAT SLEEP GYM REPEAT: Mad House
Save the best until last, as they say.
Dave, 37
“I used to work at a Gym in Fort McMurray (Northern Canada). At this gym we kept our dumbbells on the ground, in little groove latch things because our rack kept breaking. The problem with this is you can easily trip on the handles.
I’m also from England so I have a some-what pronounced accent. I was chatting up one of the women who came in, talking about her radio show. Some other guy came in, bald fuck, signed the sheet and left to do some warm-ups. He apparently was jealous that I was causing her to laugh and enjoy herself, while he couldn’t.
He started to yell out “OI. YOU BRITISH FAG!” and got up and started to walk towards me. Remember what I said about the dumbbells? Yeah. The man tripped over one, faceplanted on yoga/exercise ball and then broke his nose when he bounced off of that. He then promptly left everything behind and ran out. He never came back for his stuff either and after having it for 3 months my boss said I could have his iPod and laptop.
Another example was that in the same gym we had one room containing beds for sun tanning. Then we also had a large, out in the open, stand up spray-tan booth. One woman rented it for 10 minutes, which I clocked in and she started it.
After 15 minutes passed, I noticed she was still in there. I knocked on the door. No answer. I knocked again and said that i’d have to come in if she didn’t answer. No answer. I opened the door. She was shoving a vibrator up her cooch. When she saw me she pissed full stream, which scared her and me. She jumped, and I fell over. When she tried to leave she slipped on the piss and knocked herself out cold on the ground. The paramedics picked her up and carted her off.”
Hopefully after reading that you’ve got your gym gear on, your pre workout swallowed and your headphones in! And who knows, if you head down now you might be able to witness number 11 on our list! If you want to get the t-shirt that inspired this blog, then visit this link HERE. When you get there, just remember three important things:
- Don’t take too much vitamin C.
- Remember to check your backside for toilet roll after using the loo.
- Do not go over your allotted time on the sun beds!
